How to Choose the Right Person to Marry
Looking for Love
Many couples appear to have made the right choice of partner to marry. That is, they get along well and are relatively happy with their relationships.
They are committed to staying together and each partner is willing to take personal responsibility for their part in problems that develop within the marriage.
However, there are many other couples who lament about the poor love choices they have made. These folks have been unhappy in their relationships and will often make similar choices over again despite their negative experience.
How Poor Choices Are Made
They have often based their decision to marry or to develop a more serious relationship with someone on intuition (which could be wrong), chemistry (which could be confusing) or just plain convenience (which could be settling for the easiest choice).
It not easy to choose a partner to whom you wish to commit but there are some really good indicators you can use to eliminate some candidates.
Although nobody can predict with absolute certainty what combination of two personalities will fail or succeed, there are some people whose personalities raise red flags. Those characteristics are likely to be counterproductive to creating good relationships.
Choosing the Right Person
The beginning is always the most fun isn’t it? It can be romantic, exciting and often very sexual. It is at this time that one’s tendency to correctly evaluate the character of the person they are connecting with is often compromised by all that chemistry.
It is important to have an open mind when meeting new people.
However, it is equally as important to be as perceptive as possible when you are about to trust someone with your feelings. In this post I lay out some negative characteristics to look out for in evaluating a potential partner for marriage.
The key in evaluating is to look for a consistent pattern of behavior. Some of the following personality traits can appear occasionally in any of us. It is only when these traits appear with consistency should your antenna go up.
The Critical Person: This type of person might at first appear to be supportive of you but, on closer scrutiny, finds fault with the things you do or say, the people you associate with and even the choices you make. There may be snide remarks or “gentle” put downs that seem to occur more often than you find comfortable. You may tend to let these go because the chemistry is strong but soon you may find yourself becoming negative or even sad.
The Needy Person: This is a person who needs constant reassurance. At first the strong desire to always be together may look or feel flattering but these may be subtle hints that the future may begin to feel suffocating. Be on the alert for too many pleas of, “Do you love me”, “Are you sure love me”, “Why can’t we spend more time together”, as they may indicate a self-esteem problem that could plague you later on.
The Overly Sexual Person: If you begin to feel that your entire relationship is about sex and only sex, you’re probably right! You need to decide if that’s what you want for the time being or if you need more from this person. Bear in mind that sex means different things to different people. You may have an entirely different take on what is going on than your partner. If you do want more, try going out and not having sex once in a while…see how that works.
The Addicted Person: This is a person who seems to need alcohol or some other substance on too frequent a basis. I’m not moralizing here but making a distinction between using and abusing substances. An indication would likely be their tendency to either drink or get high when going out and, when you bring it up, get defensive about it. It is always better to know this up front if you want to grow a more serious relationship.
The Angry Person: Look for over-reaction to things. Does he suddenly
become abusive to others? Does he get angry quickly while driving? Does he often appear tense or all wound up? Are you being yelled at and then apologized to? If you seek a harmonious and peaceful relationship, this may not be the person you are looking for. This style is found more often in men than women. I am making a distinction here between the aggressive and hostile style person who might appear to have a mean streak, and the assertive, confident, straightforward person.
The Argumentative Person: This person often finds the smallest thing in a conversation to become quarrelsome about. You might feel at times that they just can’t let things go and seems to always want to pick a fight. They may not see it as belligerence or contentiousness but you are aware of how stress provoking this behavior can get. When you point out what you are observing you will likely be met with defensiveness or unwillingness to self-examine. The problem is that there is often no satisfaction in discussing anything because there will be no real discussion…no give and take…only bickering.
The Manipulative Person: This person can fool you for a while if you are not careful. The manipulator can be dishonest in that things are not stated up front. They get what they want by tricking or fooling you, often making you feel defensive. Manipulators will use coercion, guilt or even threats to get what they want. They are likely to be selfish creatures and you would be wise to stay away.
By far the biggest mistake anyone can make when choosing a partner is thinking that they can change that person; WRONG!! Stack the odds in your favor by finding someone whose personality is right for you.
Falling in love is a beautiful and romantic experience that everyone should have. Falling in love with the “right” person is even better!
About the Author
Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with couples struggling with powerful issues such as infidelity, careers and intimacy. He also specializes in treating addictions, anger, anxiety, stress, depression and work life balance.