The promise of “good sex” always gets attention. You want it. Your partner wants it. And, perhaps, your relationship hasn’t experienced much of it lately. Perhaps you’re still trying to experience it for the first time. Maybe you’re even wondering if sex therapy might help.

Indeed, sex therapy may be an excellent way to get things going. There’s no shame in seeking the help that makes your life together better.

Still, first things first.

Understand that “good sex” is sex that is good for you and your partner. Taking time to get clear on what that looks like for both of you is the first step to understanding how to initiate sex enjoyably and have a great time in bed… or elsewhere.

With that understanding established in an open conversation on your own or with a sex therapy professional, you can then creatively and intentionally begin initiating good or even great sex on a regular basis.

Initiation or Foreplay

Why is initiation or foreplay so important?

Because it is that first connection or series of connections leading up to and including the full sexual experience which could include intercourse. It is a way of telling your partner: “I want you. I need you. I can’t wait to be with you.” Who can or wants to resist a lover who can’t resist them? It is often the key to great sex.

Basically, when the one we love wants us, we know we belong. We’re safe to explore and be explored. We feel good about ourselves. With that boost to our confidence bubbling through us, sex represents possibility, fun, and a desirable version of ourselves. The experience seems less emotionally risky and comes to signify more exciting and intimate risks and adventure.

So, how about it, are you often the initiator? Maybe it’s time to switch it up. Do you wish you knew how to initiate without the awkwardness that takes away from your fun?

Perhaps it’s time for you to consider using these proven techniques:

1. Turn up the touch-o-meter. Find ways to physically connect.

Intentional touch is a sure fire way to signal sexual interest. Say, “I want to be close to you,” with a repetitive brush against each other in the kitchen. Reach for each other’s hand at the table or in the car. Lean into a full frontal hug. Linger in the goodbye kiss. Turn evening crashing on the couch into intimate cuddles or a long, slow foot massage.

The idea is to ignite and develop a slow burn for each other. The layering of tender touches and sexual invitation can make waiting until bedtime much too long a wait… so don’t!

2. Be a big flirt.

Send the same sexual signals you did when you first realized the chemistry between you.

Be sure to start early in the day. Catch your partner’s eyes often and make sure he or she knows you can’t take your eyes off of them. Smile and lean in when you’re talking about mundane things. Use few words and allow your body movement and closeness to speak volumes.

What delicious scent can you wear to draw her in? Is there a piece of lace or silk strategically placed that would hold his gaze? Perhaps a little flavored lip gloss or chap stick might make a well-timed kiss the kindling you need to heat things up nicely.

3. Amp up the eye candy. 

Don’t underestimate a bit of effort in the appearance department. If you know he correlates that red dress and high heels with a good time, wear it! If you know your cowboy boots and old football jersey make her think of making out in the back of your car, there’s no shame in the fact that it might not fit the way it did back then.

The point is, clothes can help set the stage for sexual anticipation and removing them slowly and intentionally can be even more fun. Why not initiate a striptease? Do whatever you like to prolong your mutual acceptance, enjoyment, and titillation by really looking at each other’s bodies, in clothes and out.

4. Be surprisingly direct. Take charge and follow through.

Good sex is often a goal worth talking about. And there are so many ways to simply lay your intentions out there. If you are bold enough and your partner is receptive, write a for your eyes only note or series of notes explaining what they can look forward to. Send sexy texts to view and erase throughout the workday.

Or, just keep it simple: over dinner, or on the couch afterward, suddenly look deeply into your partner’s eyes and say exactly what you want, what you’re willing to do, and where to meet you in 5 minutes so all of that can take place. You won’t be alone for long.

5. Play up the playfulness.

Take your sex life seriously, just don’t make it too serious an affair. A sense of humor is extremely sexy and disarming if the timing is right. The key is not to say or do anything that makes your partner self-conscious or to touch on sensitive topics. Instead, reminisce over some funny intimate moment from the past. Leer comically, giggle and growl. Tickle and tumble around. Why not?

Good sex comes from being vulnerable enough to seek each other out without fear of rejection or indifference.

In essence, keep resentment out of your bed by keeping sexual communication open and sharing the task of initiation; that way the risk is shared and understood. As you implement some of these practices, keep your mind open and incorporate what is unique to your relationship, as well as any likes, dislikes, and fantasies.

The first rule of sex therapy: Pay attention to each other. Listen, look, ask questions. Otherwise, no list of tips will do much good. Your “good sex “should be uniquely yours.

All in all, once you know what you like and feel no need to compare your ideal sex life with the media or cultural versions, these tips can be employed for a mutually pleasurable experience.

Still think you might have trouble lighting the sexual fire between you?

It’s possible something else may be going on with you individually or within your relationship.

There’s no shame in seeking the insight of someone who can show you how your respective pasts, communication styles, and unresolved issues may be affecting the way you approach sex. In fact, your willingness to make intimacy a priority via professional help could be the sexiest thing either of you has done for each other in quite some time.

Want to explore the ideas of initiation and “good sex” privately? I am well qualified to provide sex therapy and help you make satisfying changes in your intimate relationship.

Click here to learn more about how to have a successful sexual relationship.

About the Author

Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist, clinical sexologist and life coach in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with couples struggling with powerful issues such as sexuality, infidelity, careers, and intimacy. He also specializes in treating addictions, anger, anxiety, stress, depression and work-life balance.

Call or email for a cost-free telephone consultation. Services are rendered either at the office located at 2999 NE 191 St. Suite 703, Miami, Florida 33180 or through video conference via Skype or FaceTime. Serving all of the greater Miami, Florida area or, through video conference, anywhere that there is a broadband internet connection.