How to Improve Your Marriage and Spice up Your Sex Life
Pet scans of the brains of people at the beginning of their relationship show areas of the brain lit up like Christmas tree lights. New lovers are chemically charged for sex and their feelings are like powerful magnets bringing them together .
Those feelings are what most of us want to experience all of the time but nature has designed them to be time limited. They were meant to drive us together to have sex and procreate so that the species would survive.
Those who decide to create longer term relationships can still have strong feelings for each other but those feelings will not be as heightened as they were at the beginning, especially regarding their sex lives. We all know this!
Remember when the two of you first met and then began dating? Remember how exciting it was and how alive you felt in each others’ presence? We know that there is a biochemical reason for the powerful feelings you experienced.
Now that time has elapsed and you are well into your relationship (may even have produced a couple of children) you may feel that things have gotten a little stale or boring and in need of improvement. The powerful chemistry that once drove you into your lover’s arms no longer compels you to rip each others’ clothes off.
Why We Get Bored
The marriage may work in that you are both doing your part to raise the kids, run the household and generally be responsible to those who depend on you. However, you both have not really attended to the physical, sexual or erotic aspects of your relationship.
Almost all couples suffer some feelings of boredom with the routines of their everyday lives together. When partners have been together for a while they might begin to take each other for granted.
Here are some reasons for this:
The relationship may begin to feel bland, too routine or uninteresting. Even if many good things are going on in the family the connection between the partners may be suffering. This usually happens slowly over time and is not always noticeable to both partners. You tend to do the same things, eat at the same restaurants, shop at the same stores and even have sex (when you do have sex) in the same tired way.
If there have been unresolved issues between the partners then hidden resentment or anger may be getting in the way of rekindling the love bond or excitement between them. Boredom can be a way of deflecting the anger by becoming numb to the relationship.
When there is no drama and things seem OK, you may tend to get lazy and not want to muster the effort to make changes. Although both spouses may not feel that things are OK they really don’t talk about it. One spouse may go on feeling this way for a long time before it comes up in some form of dissatisfaction.
You stop talking to each other. Couples come to therapy complaining of “communication” issues. That is often code for “we really don’t talk”. There can be many reasons for this but the end result is the same.
You lead separate lives. Everyone is entitled to a little privacy, as long as it is not being driven by deception. You may be involved in activities or work in which your partner takes no part. However, you may have become so accustomed to that routine that you insist on keeping it private, or not sharing information. Keeping things private however, can cause your partner to feel you are having a separate life, one where they are not welcome.
Sex is not fun. Remember when it was? The issues mentioned above were not present then. In other words it is likely that you talked more, broke from routines, shared more of your lives together and showed your partner how interested you were in them. Sex and intimacy was easier and more fun. When that part of the relationship is not nurtured, the couple may feel disconnected from each other.
Top 10 Tips to Improve Your Marriage
Tip 1: Decide that you want to change things up. Make a conscious decision that you want to improve your relationship by stepping up your game. Discuss this decision so that you are both in agreement.
Tip 2: Commit to a course of action that will have the desired effect of making your relationship more fun and interesting. Changing things will require that you, and your partner, make an effort…don’t be lazy!
Tip 3: Turn up your communication. Everything starts with a conversation. Talk about the things you would like to improve upon. Engage each other with conversation that will stimulate new ideas.
Tip 4: Say nice things to each other. Keep your conversation and general interactions positive and upbeat, especially when you want to make changes. There should be no blaming or finger pointing as to why things have become stale or boring. The objective is to work together.
Tip 5: Take some responsibility. You may not have been paying much attention to the state of the relationship and let things decline. Own up to your share of the responsibility by letting your partner know that you recognize this and want to do something about it.
Tip 6: Care about the way you look and feel. Many couples get a bit lazy in the way they present themselves to each other. They may not take as much pride in their appearance as they once did when they were courting. In the spirit of reinvigorating a stale relationship, getting yourself in shape and looking good can be an important component.
Tip 7: Learn to celebrate more often. Use the opportunity of any special event to celebrate with a greater degree of adventure and a spirit of excitement. Celebrating should be done in the spirit of having an uninhibited good time.
Tip 8: Surprise each other. Don’t be so predictable when it comes to spicing up your relationship. Whether it is a gift, a night out or even a weekend away be more spontaneous! Predictability and incessant familiarity are not often turn-ons.
Tip 9: Promote more intimacy. This can mean making more time for just the two of you to go places and do things together as well as spending more time in the bedroom. The idea here is to rekindle some of those feelings of closeness you both shared before life got more complicated.
Tip 10: Enhance your sex life. It is not just about having more sex but enjoying the physical connection you create between you. Almost all couples, after being together for a while, get into a routine of doing things the same. Hug more often, touch each other more often, smile more, be more playful and generally pay more attention.
About the Author
Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with couples struggling with powerful issues such as infidelity, careers and intimacy. He also specializes in treating addictions, anger, anxiety, stress, depression and work life balance.