Sex Therapy: 8 Ways to a Better Sex Life
Type in “a better sex life” on your computer or smartphone.
Your search engine is likely generous with responses. Some helpful, some not, and some downright disturbing. But the thousands of listed blog posts, sex therapy articles, studies, and magazine-style quizzes tell us something about ourselves:
We’re searching for ways to make the sexual connection as fulfilling, pleasurable, and meaningful as possible.
We want the promised sexual secrets, the big ideas, and the helpful tips if it helps the cause.
That’s good. It’s wise to keep sex fresh and engaging. You deserve the tools to make better sex happen. But you may be surprised at what really elevates the erotic aspects of your relationship.
The following eight suggestions are a good place to start:
1. Put Your Sexual Beliefs into Perspective
How you think about sex is crucial to your enjoyment and how well you connect with your partner. What do you believe about sex? Do you judge your own thoughts, fantasies, or performance harshly? Are you put off by your partner’s sexual needs?
If sex seems too basic, too dirty, too shameful, or anything less than the erotic, loving, and satisfying experience you hoped for, consider sex therapy to help understand the disconnect.
2. Pay Attention to Yourself
If you want your body to be the wonderland it’s meant to be, preventative maintenance and daily care are essential. How many times has sex been less than satisfying or abandoned altogether because of health challenges, fatigue, body image issues, or unaddressed pain ( physical or emotional)?
Taking charge of yourself is both empowering and necessary. Knowing that you are fit, healthy, and operating with a clear mind adds a measure of vitality and enthusiasm for sex that makes it more fun and invigorating.
3. Pay Attention to Each Other
We tend to love having the attention of our partner. Isn’t that one of the great things about physical intimacy? You get to slip into a period of time that is focused solely on pleasure and sensations that connect you in a way that little else can.
So why not precede that connection with a string of attentive moments? They will arouse your bodies slowly, intensify feelings of being connected, and pique your interest in each other long before you reach the bedroom.
Best ways to do this?
*Cut back on screen time. Look up and actually look at your partner. Notice expressions and body language. You may be missing important signals.
*Plan ahead and let anticipation of intimacy do its magic. Just a few sexy texts or a suggestive kiss and embrace on your way out the door can stoke a fire for later.
*Celebrate positive aspects about each other. Too often they may go unnoticed in the course of everyday activities. Loving acceptance is sexy.
You’ll see each other bloom in confidence and sexual interest as a growing sense of curiosity in each other feeds attraction.
4. Promote positive communication
Banish blame. Share more. Laugh often.
How can you really relax and enjoy sex fearlessly if you feel the weight of blame, criticism, or resentment between you?
Take the time to meet with a therapist or dedicate regular time together to work through problems. Forcing sexual intimacy through negative feelings isn’t fair to either of you.
Most of all, be accepting, open-minded, and trustworthy. Simply setting time aside to see issues from each other’s point of view can soothe hurt feelings and light a new, unrestrained spark between you.
5. Physically reconnect
Touch before retiring to the bedroom is a big deal. Lean in to hold a kiss, find each other’s hands or waists when you’re nearby, sit a little closer than you need to on the couch. What happens?
Your body wakes up with each interaction because you’re elevating your intimacy appetite.
By the time you’re alone in bed, you could find that you crave each other, pushing desire to new peaks.
6. Prize spontaneity and creativity
While planning ahead is helpful for igniting slow sexual anticipation, don’t over plan sexual contact.
In bed, “routine”, “boring,” or “predictable” are not how you want to be described. Try something novel or adventurous. Ask each other about fantasies and surprise each other with playful exploration of each other’s bodies.
The point is to play. Sex can be fun and there are a million ways to get there. Don’t let judgement or what you “should” do inhibit you. As a couple, you get to make the rules. If you both agree to an activity and no one’s safety is in question, creative nights in bed (or elsewhere) can be a great way to grow closer.
7. Progress purposefully and manage your expectations
Everyone has sexual preferences. And there’s nothing wrong with letting your partner know what they are…kindly and constructively. This goes along with positive communication but there’s more to it. It’s important to be honest and direct but also be honest with yourself.
Tell yourself the truth about your sexual goals. What’s the purpose of sex with your partner? Are you trying to make them meet romance novel or Internet-fed expectations?
Sex improves when you see your partner clearly and when making suggestions for improving your sex life is a mutual project, with the aid of sex therapy if necessary.
Nurture your need to be close and satisfied long-term, leaving no doubt that you care about your partner as a person.
8. Praise your partner, A Lot!
Keep performance anxiety and insecurity out of your sex life. In fact, commit to being the most supportive, encouraging, positive lover your partner has ever had. Compliment honestly and sincerely the lovemaking you enjoy often.
Why?…because people aim to please. And pleasing each other is at the heart of creating a better sex life.
About the Author
Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach and Board Certified Clinical Sexologist in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with couples struggling with powerful issues such as infidelity, careers, intimacy and other sexual issues addressing them in a safe, non-judgmental environment. He also specializes in treating addictions, anger, anxiety, stress, depression and work life balance.
Call or email for a cost-free telephone consultation. Services are rendered either the office located at 2999 NE 191 St. Suite 703, Miami, Florida 33180 or through video conference via Skype or FaceTime. Serving all of the greater Miami, Florida area or, through video conference, anywhere that there is a broadband internet connection.