Everyone wants to be happy…don’t they?

“I just want to be happy” is probably the most common answer to the question, “What do you want out of life?”

The pursuit of happiness is a phrase we all recognize. It comes from the Declaration of Independence, which states that we are endowed with the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Here in the United States, we are free to search for happiness wherever we choose.

The problem, however, is that many people are dissatisfied and unhappy in that pursuit. They seem to be searching for happiness in all the wrong places.

The Happiness Equation

A great many people are unhappy with themselves and with what they have. According to a 2017 Harris Poll on American happiness, only 33% of respondents said they were happy. That means 67% were unhappy—and that was before the pandemic. Polls may vary, but the message is clear.

For those who fall into the unhappy category, no amount of achievement or possessions seems to be enough. There is always a nagging desire for something more. If having more is the main strategy for achieving happiness, then the race will never be won—because it never ends.

The seductive idea that being richer, taller, slimmer, stronger, smarter, faster, funnier, or more attractive will finally make us happy is a powerful myth. This mindset often causes people to overlook what is good in the present, the positives in their lives, while chasing an imagined future.

What Is Happiness?

Happiness, like any emotion, is rarely constant. It comes and goes, just like boredom, sadness, fear, or dissatisfaction. Happiness is an emotional state marked by contentment, good cheer, and optimism. It ebbs and flows, with highs and lows.

Unless someone is clinically depressed, feelings of sadness, anxiety, or discontent are a normal part of being human. Experiencing a wide range of emotions is part of life.

Despite this, many of us believe we have a “right” to be happy—as if happiness were being withheld from us by some unseen authority. We begin to think happiness requires great effort and that it must be found, earned, or collected like a trophy.

The Search For Happiness  

Some people believe happiness arrives as a dramatic epiphany, a sudden, life-changing moment filled with clarity and joy. So they search frantically, hoping for a magical experience that will finally make them happy.

They chase experiences: faster cars, fancier restaurants, perfect relationships, expensive clothes, mind-altering substances, or extravagant vacations. All of it is done with the hope that more will finally feel like enough.

Almost Never Enough

Modern society places great value on dissatisfaction. We are encouraged to want more and to feel that what we have is not sufficient. This creates a constant, low-level sense of unrest.

Unless we can find peace in simply being—something often developed through meditation, prayer, or mindfulness—we risk living in a near-constant state of restlessness and discontent.

Can A Relationship Make You Happy?

Unhealthy relationships can certainly make people miserable, while healthy ones can increase overall happiness. However, no relationship can fix someone who is already deeply unhappy. If a person is consistently angry or miserable, another person cannot magically change that.

While earlier studies suggested married people were happier and healthier, more recent research has challenged that idea. Happiness does not depend on relationship status. What matters most is what you bring with you into the relationship.

True happiness begins within.

The Happiness Myth And The Human Experience

The idea that life includes both highs and lows may seem obvious, yet parts of the self-help industry promote the belief that you should always be happy. They tell us we deserve it, and that if we just try hard enough, we will achieve it.

The danger lies in believing that only a dramatic “WOW” experience will make us happy. When that moment doesn’t arrive, disappointment quickly follows.

Unlike our ancestors, most of our basic needs are already met. We no longer hunt for food or fend off predators (though we may still fend off creditors). Yet instead of appreciating what we have, we remain driven by the need for more.

Anyone who has enjoyed a quiet moment by the ocean, time with loved ones, a good book, or a beautiful day understands happiness. There is no great mystery to it.

The real myth is believing happiness can only be found through expensive purchases, winning the lottery, finding the perfect soulmate, or chasing extraordinary experiences. In truth, happiness is often found in simple moments—and it is available far more often than we think.

Other articles of interest:

The Top 10 Barriers to Self Growth

How to Create a Winning Attitude

Click here to learn more about having a balanced life

About the Author

Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with individuals, couples and business partners helping them to resolve conflict, stay positive and create great relationships.