Everyone wants to be happy…don’t they?

“I just want to be happy” is probably the most common answer to the question, “What do you want out of life?”

The pursuit of happiness is a phrase we all recognize. It comes from the Declaration of Independence, which states that we are endowed with the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Here in the United States, we are free to search for happiness wherever we choose.

The problem, however, is that many people are dissatisfied and unhappy in that pursuit. They seem to be searching for happiness in all the wrong places.

The Happiness Equation

A great many people are unhappy with themselves and with what they have. According to a 2017 Harris Poll on American happiness, only 33% of respondents said they were happy. That means 67% were unhappy—and that was before the pandemic. Polls may vary, but the message is clear.

For those who fall into the unhappy category, no amount of achievement or possessions seems to be enough. There is always a nagging desire for something more. If having more is the main strategy for achieving happiness, then the race will never be won—because it never ends.

The seductive idea that being richer, taller, slimmer, stronger, smarter, faster, funnier, or more attractive will finally make us happy is a powerful myth. This mindset often causes people to overlook what is good in the present, the positives in their lives, while chasing an imagined future.

What Is Happiness?

Happiness, like any emotion, is rarely constant. It comes and goes, just like boredom, sadness, fear, or dissatisfaction. Happiness is an emotional state marked by contentment, good cheer, and optimism. It ebbs and flows, with highs and lows.

Unless someone is clinically depressed, feelings of sadness, anxiety, or discontent are a normal part of being human. Experiencing a wide range of emotions is part of life.

Despite this, many of us believe we have a “right” to be happy—as if happiness were being withheld from us by some unseen authority. We begin to think happiness requires great effort and that it must be found, earned, or collected like a trophy.

The Search For Happiness  

Some of us believe that finding happiness is akin to having some great epiphany or religious experience…a great white light enters your body and suddenly you are at last happy!

Therefore we search frenetically to find it, hoping for some type of powerful, amazing and magical experience.

We look for the experience of a lifetime hoping that it will bring us happiness.

We buy faster cars, eat at fancier restaurants, search for the “perfect” love partner, purchase more expensive clothes, use mind altering drugs, take more extravagant vacations, all in the hope that having or doing more will bring more happiness.

Almost Never Enough

Our society has shown every sign of having placed greater value on not being satisfied with what we have and therefore always wanting more. The emphasis we place on getting more creates an atmosphere of low-level dissatisfaction in having less.

Therefore, despite what we do we are always in a somewhat quiet state of unhappiness, disharmony or sadness.

Unless we can find peace in “just being” (some achieve in the practice of meditation, prayer or some other form of mindfulness) we are always going to feel that we are at the lower end of the happiness continuum, feeling restlessness and discontent.

Can A Relationship Make You Happy?

Although bad relationships can make people miserable, good relationships have been found to make both partners generally happier than when they were alone. However, if you start out being cranky, nasty or generally miserable, don’t expect someone else to suddenly change you!

In the past, several studies and many articles have been written indicating that married partners were not just happier but also healthier than their single counterparts. However, more recent studies have questioned that premise. So you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy.

What is clear is that if you want to be happy you must first start looking within yourself.

The Happiness Myth And The Human Experience

The idea that all humans experience ups and downs sounds elementary but some in the self-help, self-growth, happiness industry would have you believe otherwise.

They want you to believe that you “should’ be happy. That it is your right, you deserve it and if you try hard enough you will have it.

The problem is if your thinking that only the WOW experience will make you happy. may be very  disappointed  when you don’t get that WOW experience.

We live in a world where, unlike our ancestors, most of our basic needs are met. We no longer need to focus on hunting for food and fending off predators (maybe creditors, but not predators).

We would probably be better off if we were able to just sit back and say, “We have most of what we need and we feel pretty happy about it” but instead we are driven by the need for more.

Anyone who has had the simple pleasure of looking at the ocean, spending time with loved ones, reading a good book or enjoying a beautiful day knows what it feels like to be happy.

There is no mystery to knowing happiness, it is available any time you want it.

The myth is to think that it can only be achieved through making an expensive purchase, winning the lottery, finding your soulmate, or taking some great trek through the universe by using hallucinogenic drugs.

Other articles of interest:

The Top 10 Barriers to Self Growth

How to Create a Winning Attitude

Click here to learn more about having a balanced life

About the Author

Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with individuals, couples and business partners helping them to resolve conflict, stay positive and create great relationships.

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