You and your partner have talked an issue to death.
You’ve made your case. They’ve made theirs.
So you say the words. “Alright, let’s just agree to disagree.”
Seems like a good idea. It’s clearly a happier alternative to escalating the emotions and raising the level to a heated, regrettable argument.
Yet, when you walk away from each other, do you still feel more than a little bothered that your partner can’t see things your way? Are you really not okay to let it go?
Maybe agreeing to disagree is more than just an agreement to do so…
Agreeing to disagree is an English phrase used to resolve a conflict of some kind usually between two people. It means that both parties have decided to accept the other person’s point of view without actually agreeing with it.
To protect your relationship from unresolved hurt, frustration, and resentments, agreeing to disagree is an actual communication skill: more a process of acceptance, validation, and growth, than a one-off solution to avoiding an argument.
In essence, allowing room for a standing disagreement means that you and your partner acknowledge that a long-term relationship comes with inevitable differences.
You may have tried to manage those differences of opinion and beliefs, ideas that have evolved throughout the course of your relationship.
Learning to productively take all of that in, accept it, and then willingly accommodate each other is a big deal.
Thus, how you agree to disagree deserves time and consideration so that communication remains intact and respect remains a priority.
Consider the following:
What is your automatic reaction to your spouse’s unwillingness to agree with you? Examine your emotions. Are you feeling rejected or abandoned? Why do you feel attacked or dismissed?
If you agree to disagree and subsequently resent your partner, you are doing your relationship a disservice.
Often disagreement triggers feelings of disrespect or even panic for couples. If you find your reaction to your disagreement is an overreaction, marked by extreme negativity, sharp commentary, or strong offense, something else is going on.
Despite your initial instinct to defend your position, it is important to remember that your partner is not your enemy.
Sometimes becoming more mindful is enough to help you feel and act less defensively.
Some couples need more help to genuinely agree to disagree. Depending on your marriage, it may be wise to take some time, on your own or with the help of marriage counseling, to determine why you feel that your partner’s differing perspective somehow causes you such irritation.
Concede that you and your partner are not the same person. Allow that you don’t need to be. Slow down your conclusions and judgments regarding your partner’s perspective. Listen closely.
This is not just an effort to understand your partner on a cognitive or objective level. Instead you try to slow down your own criticisms or urge to debate in order to mindfully appreciate your partner’s perspective.
Why? Because he or she is your partner. The relationship comes before the discord.
Allowing for your partner’s individuality, experiences, and uniqueness (just as you did when you began your relationship) creates more freedom for you both to respectfully and vulnerably coexist.
Thus, compassionately understanding each other is not dependent on always sharing the same viewpoints, biases, or concerns.
Rather, understanding becomes a gift of support that validates you both. Regardless of your differences, you recognize the legitimacy of each other’s viewpoints and how you arrived at them.
You can then accept the idea that neither of you expects the other to fully give up firmly held beliefs to ensure your connection to each other.
The truth of the matter may simply be that your personal integrity will not allow you to agree, or even remain silent, when confronted with your partner’s opinion. That’s okay. You needn’t fear that conflict will damage the harmony between you.
Harmony in a relationship or household is not fully dependent on compliance. Consider instead that diplomacy and open-mindedness are avenues to amicable disagreement.
Diplomacy backs away from refusals and division to calmly reassure dedication to the relationship and peaceably living together. In addition, the open-minded possibility for compromise allows you to keep communicating in honest ways, revisiting the topic periodically to see what still works for both of you.
Sometimes the best option is to agree to disagree.
Other times, you may realize a shift has occurred and certain points are more able to be aligned. In either case, harmony is assured and no pressure exists to make the other person capitulate.
The occasional conflict can then be seen as a growth process, and your connection is not put at risk.
Truthfully, conflict with someone you care so much about can be tough to navigate.
You want to be liked, admired, respected, and valued. When you can’t agree on a topic or decision, your relationship may feel less secure. You may also find that knowing how to agree to disagree in your marriage may prove to be a real challenge.
Of course, you and your spouse know that communication is key. It always is.
However, that doesn’t mean you know how to do it well when you reach an impasse. If you find that agreeing to disagree is proving too difficult, it’s wise to seek guidance.
Work with someone who can show you how to come together without having to indiscriminately meld your minds to do it. Marriage counseling is a safe, productive place to lay things out and benefit from a professional’s more objective perspective.
Other articles of interest:
How To Fix A Relationship After A Big Fight
Being Critical? Are You Helping Or Hurting?
How To Resolve Disagreements And Have Great Relationships
Click here to learn more about how to have a successful relationship.
Dr. Stan Hyman is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach in private practice in Miami, Florida. He works with couples struggling with powerful issues such as infidelity, careers, intimacy and communication. He also specializes in treating addictions, anger, anxiety, stress, depression and work life balance.
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