Airplane conversationalists. Slow walkers. Mumbling talkers. Interrupters. Irritated?
Unaddressed “honey do” lists. Friends who just drop off a text thread for hours. That coworker who wants to high five every time they pass. Annoyed?
And don’t forget that guy who insists on saying “one more thing” for 20 minutes after you’ve adjourned the meeting for lunch. Angry yet?
It’s alright, to say, “yes”.
If social media rants and YouTube videos are any indication, you’re not alone.
To get a clearer look at things, let’s take a short mental walk through an average American day. A few key statistics can shed some light on how much anger really is an everyday experience for many of us:
7 am: Good morning, Sunshine? Well, not so much. Think “road rage on the highway” instead.
Anger, apparently, is an early riser. Nationwide, our morning commutes provide us a good opportunity to get a giant ball of internal irritation rolling. According to a 2014 U.S. survey and study of over 2700 licensed -drivers over the age 16, 78% reported having engaged in at least one “aggressive driving behavior. Just over 50% purposely tailgated another vehicle. 46% yelled out their windows at other drivers. Nearly 45% honked their horns “to show annoyance or anger.”
A third of survey respondents noted that an angry gesture was part of their morning greeting on the road and about 1 in 4 had purposely attempted to block other drivers from changing lanes. It seems that anger behind the wheel is a pretty standard part of getting where we’re going.
What about at work? Are we calm and prone to gracious interaction with coworkers there?
9 am: Heigh ho, heigh, ho it’s off to work…? Not really, it’s more like “clock in irritated, clock out aggravated.”
Unfortunately, harmony is getting harder and harder to come by at the workplace. The Anger Management Training Institute notes, “Studies show that up to 42% of employee time is spent engaging in or trying to resolve conflict. This results in wasted employee time, mistakes, stress, lower morale, hampered performance, and reduced profits and/or service.”
In addition, recent research on anger in the workplace reveals that a quarter of Americans are “somewhat” or “a little” angry at work. A Gallup poll conducted in the United States in 2000 indicated that 25 percent of adult survey participants felt like screaming or shouting due to job stress and frustration. Of those participants, 14 percent wanted to, or at least considered, physically striking a co-worker.
Furthermore, 10 percent of the employees were anxious about one or more of their co-workers becoming confrontational. With the uptick in workplace violence since the 90’s, combined with the constant media coverage of such events, you can’t really blame some people for feeling on edge. Which of course, does little to reduce tensions.
7-11 pm: Home sweet home? Eh, no… Social media surfing leaves a bitter taste in our mouths after dinner and a 24-hour news cycle inflames our minds before we go to bed.
The draw of our smartphones appears to be eroding the safe haven of home and serenity. We’ve lost the calm that existed between 6 o’clock at the dinner table and the 11o’clock news. You now have the opportunity to be offended, outraged, and provoked again and again.
Once again, the science bears this out. A study of 5 million social media users in China uncovered the truth. Anger, of all emotions, spreads best on the internet. We are spurred to anger easily and we share our anger more than any other emotion. And then we go to bed with it. All so that we’re well rested and sufficiently annoyed for that morning commute.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
So, if the research is telling us anything, it’s pretty clear that we’re all pretty hot-headed these days. Collectively, it’s worth taking a look at where we’re headed. Why? Because individually we’re all going to need to do what it takes to calm down.
But first, we need to know what we’re dealing with.
“Anger is one letter short of danger.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt –
We all get angry at times. It’s neither bad nor good.
Anger, like any other emotion, is useful when expressed appropriately. It is part of your emotional skill set. It functions as part of your innate survival responses, mobilizing and defending you against those that would do you harm. It is a useful, natural and fundamental emotion that all humans experience from time to time.
It is only when your anger spins out of control and takes a destructive turn that it becomes a counterproductive, possibly dangerous, force.
In his research on anger, Dr. Richard Pfeiffer, a founder of the National Anger Management Association, notes that though angry behavior is frowned upon socially, anger itself is quite a natural, normal part of our hardwiring.
However, he contends that the impulse to retaliate or punish a perceived threat comes from the primitive brain. There, the limbic system rules, and people and circumstances are simply assessed as helpful or unhelpful based on previous information. It is a basic and reactionary way to solve perceived conflict. Sometimes that reaction is controlled and tempered, other times your initial, angry reaction is more extreme.
Essentially, anger acts as a helper emotion for protection and a means of getting your needs and desires addressed.
It is important to realize that anger can get in your way in a hurry, though, if you don’t have the tools to rein it in.
“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way… that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.”
– Aristotle, 384 BC – 322 BC –
Alright, so we know that anger is part of being human; it’s part of our emotional makeup. But why? What’s it for, or more accurately what do we believe it’s for? How do we decide to act out our anger, suppress it, or let it go?
People manage anger well or poorly for a host of reasons. These beliefs include, but aren’t limited to, the following:
These beliefs can do heavy damage to relationships and drag anger out far longer than is necessary. It’s best to take a hard look inward, recognize anger for what it is, confront it honestly, and deal with the way we express it.
In addition to our beliefs about anger, there are often unseen and even unconscious things within us that can cause anger to flare up. Anger may be the result of underlying emotional issues:
Similarly, you may need to ask yourself if anger is the fallout of a particular life event or experience:
These beliefs, emotional factors, past issues, and personal challenges can drive anger and angry behavior. They have the power to impact your ability to process intense emotion and manage it well.
Beyond those factors that are unique to you and your perspective, there are certain “anger myths” that tend to persist in our culture. If you aren’t careful, these false ideas can confuse and impede healthy emotional awareness and processing to the point of exacerbating or escalating anger.
Socially and relationally, a lot of us have come to think about anger in unproductive ways. If you subscribe to the following ideas about anger, you’re not alone. How often do you find yourself getting sucked into the following fallacies?
Anger Myth #1. “You should never hold anger inside.” In truth, there are times when “holding it in” is completely appropriate and a really good idea. If you skip the rant and slow things down, anger may subside. Sometimes its best not to react, just sit with your feelings, and let them dissipate.
Venting all over everyone when anger strikes can lead to trouble that ramps up unproductive or dangerous interactions and does nothing to improve management of your feelings.
Anger Myth #2. “There are no healthy ways to express anger.” Sometimes a strict childhood, your faith system, or difficult past relationships feed into this idea. Expression of anger becomes “bad” or a character flaw. Beyond feeling like you shouldn’t get upset, you feel like you aren’t allowed to be angry. Anger, expressed in any way seems unacceptable.
Over time, this myth can lead to emotional suppression, disconnect, and isolation. Communication is compromised as is a healthy sense of emotional awareness over time.
Anger Myth #3. “Anger is impossible to control.” This myth gives anger way too much power. Anger can be managed. When it comes to your response, you always have options. With help, your emotions can be better understood and processed.
You can develop self-help tools and employ various forms of therapy to feel more empowered and keep yourself in the driver’s seat of your emotions.
Okay, that’s a lot of information. There are clearly a wealth of factors that affect how well a person handles anger. Is there any other factor that makes a difference in anger expression and anger management?
Oh, yes. Let’s not forget the differences between genders. That’s pretty important, too.
It’s important to note the differences here. Generally speaking, anger looks, sounds, and acts differently in men as opposed to women. Much of that can be attributed to socialization and cultural norms.
For example, men are more likely to express anger directly. It’s often communicated as the manly, more appropriate thing to do in society. Some men perceive threats almost everywhere and have very little tolerance for even the smallest of things, causing them to react inappropriately and rashly.
Women tend to direct anger inward. The pressure to be pleasant and accommodating often leads to more subtle expressions of anger. Some women lean toward suppression or passive aggression as a means of dealing with anger without direct confrontation.
Of course, these are just generalities, either gender may express anger in a whole host of obvious or hidden ways.
Well, here’s the takeaway: successful anger management starts with noticing, identifying and understanding how you deal with anger. Pay attention to how you think about anger and look deeper than your reactions. Otherwise, the consequences of unchecked, unresolved anger can lead to frustration and an unwise decision to suppress it.
Consequently, suppressing anger can lead to bigger emotional issues and a wide range of unhealthy responses. Studies clearly indicate that suppressing anger can have specific negative outcomes in the following areas:
More importantly, failing to resolve anger productively is more often linked to domestic and workplace violence than mental illness. In a recent summary of studies, reviewers concluded simply that ”Anger disorders are a product of long-term anger mismanagement.”
Alright, suppression is no way to approach anger. So, what do you do to get things under control?
“Healthy people know not to gorge on anger. At the end of the day, they walk away. They choose to end it. And it’s an easier choice the next time.”
Author, Steve Goodier
To manage anger well, the buck ultimately stops with you. And, getting the most bang from that buck involves reaching a place of emotional competence, confidence, and mastery when it comes to anger.
Anger Management is a learning process that will require commitment from you and backup from people you trust. Why? Because there will be things you need to employ right away on your own, techniques that work best with other people, and skills best learned from a professional.
That’s how you’ll get where you want to go emotionally and finally feel like you’re in control. There’s no shame in acknowledging the need for support, and the potential for growth and a happier future are well worth the effort.
Now, let’s see how you can make real anger management headway with the following strategies.
Photo by Daniel Monteiro on Unsplash
1.Buy yourself some time. Give yourself some mental space between the first wave of anger and your next move. Think. Breathe. Imagine pressing a pause button. Walk away briefly. Do what you can to delay an immediate response. Give rational thought a chance
2. Try pleasant imagery. Picture peaceful scenarios and situations that calm you. Try looking away from the person or thing that angers you to something benign or more pleasant to help reduce your anger.
3. Use relaxation techniques. Techniques like yoga or meditation can combat the somatic or physical qualities and reactions that accompany anger.
4. Get moving. Exercise can help stimulate a release of negative energy and improve the flow of feel-good biological chemicals and endorphins that help balance mood.
5. Hydrate. Researchers from the University of Connecticut’s Human Performance Laboratory found that even mild dehydration can cause anger and mood swings, likely because thirst can cause loss of blood flow to the brain.
6. Drink alcohol responsibly. Alcohol can seem like a mood booster, but it can instigate trouble quickly. Keep drinking to a minimum as too much alcohol can create a lack of good judgment, loosen inhibitions, and foster an emotional release that amplifies anger.
7. Sleep well. Research supports the idea that sleep deprivation makes people more irritable, angry and generally hostile. You are more likely to respond negatively when situations don’t go well for you when you’re tired.
8. Use your “anger thermometer.” Essentially, rate your anger on a continuum. What is a “1” or “not angry at all” and which situations deserve a “10” or “maximum anger” level? Identifying anger this way can help you know how and when to employ other anger management techniques, and it can serve as a self-check to identify anger triggers.
9. Keep a hostility log to recognize anger triggers. Speaking of triggers, keep track of anger triggers and how often you are getting angry. Use this log to help you determine how to manage anger effectively.
10. Actively interrupt the anger cycle. Take measures to interrupt angry thoughts. Count to 10-20, or tell the thoughts in your mind to “STOP!” so you have time to think and pull away from the way you are engaging.
11. Use humor. Release anger’s grip on your mind and body with an infusion of medicinal laughter. Slow things down and look for the humor in your situation. Take a break to watch a few funny videos or exaggerate your situation to a ridiculous degree in your mind. Laughter has a way of dialing things back and deflating overblown tensions.
12. Distract yourself. Distract yourself or remove yourself from the situation that made you angry. Read, play a game, listen to calming music, or go for a stroll or bike ride. Try painting, writing, or redirecting your energy into a hobby.
13. Change your environment. Get up and get away from the source of anger. If a certain high traffic intersection makes you angry every morning, plan an alternate route.
14. Yelling into a pillow/hitting a pillow. Though some folks discourage this, citing that it may reinforce aggression rather than act as an appropriate release, letting off steam can be an effective way to help calm down. If you feel a need to vent, vent safely and without intimidating or harming other people.
15. Revamp your routine. Look at your daily routine or lifestyle. What regularly frustrates you or makes you feel at a disadvantage? Take charge of those areas to mitigate a sense of powerlessness or frustration that can spill over into other interactions or areas of your life.
16. Self-distancing. Studies reveal the benefit of a “fly on the wall” perspective when you feel provoked. Viewing tense situations as an observer helps minimize anger and aggression and understand your feelings from a different vantage point.
17. Reward yourself. When you manage anger well, give yourself credit. Encourage yourself to repeat the positive behavior by acknowledging the change.
Photo by Rémi Walle on Unsplash
18. Prioritize the relationship. Decide that people matter more than being right. Choose to focus on being empathetic, fighting fair, and picking your battles. Let the other party know that you’re putting them first.
19. Practice forgiveness. Intentionally let go of past grievances. Do what you can in order to graciously and unconditionally accept apologies and restore relationships.
20. Listen actively. Listening effectively is a key part of working through anger. Really listen to other points of view. Assumption and an escalation of anger often go hand in hand.
21. Practice assertiveness. Expressing yourself clearly and assertively is the healthy alternative to aggression. Own your feelings and proceed to engage responsibly.
22. Improve communication. Take time to think before you speak. Maintain open lines of communication to reach resolutions all parties can live with. Read body language closely and keep your own body as open and relaxed as possible.
23. Practice trust building. To work through anger-making assumptions about people and their intentions it may be beneficial to learn and employ trust exercises.
24. Care for others/volunteer. Volunteer your time or devote part of your regular schedule to meeting someone else’s needs. Feeling needed and able to bring relief to someone else helps counteract the anger response and promote social connectedness.
25. Find local or online support groups. There are groups and organizations that focus on anger issues that may be of help. Look into Parents Anonymous, domestic violence support communities, anger management groups, and more.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash
26. Cognitive restructuring. Working with a therapist, you can learn to change the way you think. Here are some of the focal points for managing anger-inducing thought patterns:
27. Mindfulness. Through mediation and observation, your therapist can guide you toward becoming more adept at recognizing triggers and internal impulses.
28. Problem solving. A professional can provide objective, focused support and direction regarding specific stressors. Together, you can devise and implement actions steps for addressing problems that stimulate anger.
29. Practice “Instrumental aggression.” Learn to recognize and use anger as a motivator to accomplish something productive. Anger can then become tenacity or passion as opposed to “reactive aggression” which is typified by a loss of control.
30. Plan difficult conversations. Proactively planning out how to behave and respond during tough discussions is important to work with a counselor. This can head off many impulsive, reactionary interactions.
31. Anger management courses and class work. Learn from a professional in more traditional settings.
These are just a small sampling of anger management techniques you can use. Whatever you choose, the point is to have a plan and support. Don’t allow “anger danger” to continually interrupt and interfere with your life.
In fact, it’s vital to clearly recognize how you experience anger. Now is a good time to think about whether you are really clued into how you feel and live with anger. Anger is different for everyone, and to manage it well you need to have a full picture of what’s going on.
“The best vaccine against anger is to watch others in its throes.”
French novelist, Marcel Proust
Do you do anything to guard against the daily myriad of inevitable irritations that contribute to your anger?
It might be wise to hide the profiles of those Facebook friends who are always posting depressing statuses or upsetting videos. It could be a good thing to eat at a table and sleep for 8 hours to ensure you don’t get angry and gripe at the folks at work.
Moreover, 30 minutes on the treadmill, skipping happy hour every once in a while, and actively deciding not to let your coworker’s habitual need for a high five bother you could do wonders for detouring your usual angry train.
Anger often rises. It grows. It builds. One stubbed toe in the morning, more commuter traffic than usual, or a particularly tough email from your boss might not be enough to set you off individually. But, together they might send your day spiraling in the wrong direction. Sometimes that kind of circumstantial pile up can make you feel like things are all falling apart or completely out of your control.
Internally, your subconscious may keep track of the list of life “bummers”. Physically, your body holds all the tension and upset in your face, shoulders, neck, and back. All of this takes a toll, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it.
So much is going on inside your mind when you’re dealing with anger. It isn’t always obvious or focused outward. Having the tools to interrupt and challenge your thoughts is key to turning anger around.
Angry behavior may be something you see and hear clearly, or it may be something you have to look closely for or that you just sense. However it plays it out, angry behavior is usually hurtful and counterproductive.
Now, it’s time to ask yourself some questions. Do you find that the way you experience anger has become overwhelming or intrusive? Do you want to move forward knowing that you have a handle on the way you express your anger? Perhaps it’s time to make peace with people your anger has affected—to seek support and make peace happen. Counseling is an excellent way to get that done.
“Don’t waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy.”
Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
Photo by Yamon Figurs on Unsplash
You might realize now that you have anger issues. Maybe you understand how you’ve bought into a few anger myths that kept you stuck. Perhaps you read the anger management techniques and want to employ them soon.
Still, you might feel you need someone to come along with you, offer you face-to-face support, and provide concrete feedback as you work on managing anger in more effective ways. There’s no shame in that. In fact, asking for help before anger can make life any more uncomfortable or dangerous is a commendable action on your part.
You don’t need to suffer the anxiety that comes with feeling out of control. Therapy is vital if anger issues are fueling dark moods and depression. A professional can provide a safe, confidential experience in which you gain clarity and insight about why you are angry and how you can better manage anger. A counselor can help you make progress purposefully in an environment set up to practice skills and provide encouragement.
Use these clues as a guideline for whether you should consider seeking therapy:
You may not feel ready for one-on-one counseling. That’s okay. You may want to consider one of the following therapeutic alternatives instead:
Once you’ve made the decision to get anger management therapy, it’s a good idea to familiarize yourself with the types of therapy approaches that are most common for treating anger. You can talk with your therapist to determine what is right for you.
Types of anger management therapy include:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) replaces ways of responding to anger that do not work well with healthy ways of responding that give people more control over their lives. Using open-ended questions, your therapist asks you to reflect upon and discover the inaccuracies of your angry mindset.
Emotive Behavior Therapy (EBT) helps clients identify the thoughts that precede anger. You’ll work on determining whether your angry thoughts are rational or irrational. Then, your therapist will teach you how to replace irrational thoughts and illogical assumptions with more accurate ones.
Cognitive Behavior Modification (CBM) focuses on making you more aware of negative self-talk. It teaches you to develop a healthier inner voice, allowing you to cope more effectively when faced with unpleasant or problematic situations.
Stress Inoculation Training (SIT) is a coping skills program developed to help stress reduction. SIT is particularly beneficial for learning helpful behavioral techniques and coping thoughts.
Play Therapy uses reenactment of a traumatic or stressful events to help work through the pain and anger connected to it.
Anger doesn’t have to rule your life or limit your choices. You can move forward safely, armed with more knowledge, self-understanding and viable treatment options. The same applies for a loved one or partner who may need help managing their own anger or angry behavior.
However, if you’ve been operating under the hope or assumption that anger management techniques and treatment can help you turn around an abusive relationship, it’s crucial that you think again. Abuse is not an anger management problem. It is a deliberate act of control that you cannot continue to tolerate.
“He who has enough self-control to stand firm at the moment when the other person is in a temper, wins in the end…”
Hazrat Inayat Khan, Mastery through Accomplishment
Sometimes it’s harder to deal with someone else’s anger than your own. You’re not in control of their choices, you can’t make them self-aware or ready for change. It may be scary to think that they won’t change at all and your relationship will suffer.
To operate from a place of respect and clarity is your best course of action when dealing with an angry loved one.
Anger management is clearly vital in a world that’s “as angry as it gets.” Unmanaged anger separates you in a multitude of ways from feeling happy. So try the tips in this article, grasp the tools, call a counselor, and take the time to calm down.
Now is the time to find peace, restore respect and solidify your self-control. You don’t have to surrender any more time or relationships to anger or shame.
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